I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
no one likes gloating
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom