“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
You Might Also Like
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Finally! 😈
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up