Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
No Google it does not
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.