the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line