Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
You Might Also Like
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)