2022 will be better than 2021
You Might Also Like
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle