Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
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I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.