I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
haha same
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high