person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me