Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?