Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can鈥檛 help you now
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn鈥檛
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn鈥檛 see him
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I have a black belt in leather
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
happy mother鈥檚 day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I take offense when people don鈥檛 invite me to events l鈥檇 like to turn down.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring