*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
LA today:
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
oh my god
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.