I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
This checks out
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Word!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.