Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016