“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My birthstone is kidney
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom