Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
welp
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”