paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog