You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
back to work
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?