To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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