I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*