I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
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“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.