Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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can’t talk my ride’s here
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”