(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
6: are snakes just neck?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Body by Oreos
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”