Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?