GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Ok, but like, how married are you?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.