him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
When your man makes a valid point
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.