Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
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Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
*serious situation*
My brain:
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people