Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.