I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Beauty and the Beast
Happy Star Wars day!
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale