*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
this makes me so uncomfortable
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants