If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
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Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.