Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Last-minute gift idea!
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday