I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?