My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m too immature for adultery.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question