At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Baking is just science you can eat.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.