Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Does beer think about me too?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store