Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
No way!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct