[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
LOL
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.