“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.