If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
How I like cutting carbs
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*