Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
doing your own taxes
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.