A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
the composer
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake