Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
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My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My neck my back my allergy attack
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀