As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
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I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Yes my dude
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.