Basketball
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THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.