It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
You Might Also Like
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend鈥檚 picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[on a date]
me: so anyway鈥 just don鈥檛 understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you鈥檙e asleep at your desk
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Panda bears are proof that it鈥檚 okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you鈥檙e super adorable
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 馃檮
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown