convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.