If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
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Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
when you are just born a rebel
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning