If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.