I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
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Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I love twitter
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.